Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
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When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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