idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
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He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
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Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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