and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
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i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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