I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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