We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
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I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
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2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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