Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
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Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
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I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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