So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
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dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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