nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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