Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize