so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
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I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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