i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
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No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
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Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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