Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
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He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
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But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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