My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
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I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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