remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize