birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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