Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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