I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
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You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
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Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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