it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Princesses don't give blow jobs
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
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She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
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I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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