I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
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You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
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Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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