He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
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It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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