Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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