he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
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Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
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I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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