hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
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you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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