It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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