So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
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Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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