He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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