She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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