I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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