im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
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She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
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Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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