Betty ford says i'm here all night
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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