he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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