I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
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I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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