i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
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How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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