if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
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Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
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He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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