Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
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i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
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I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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