I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
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Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
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He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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