you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
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After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
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Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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