I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So many bounce houses so little time
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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