They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
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I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
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I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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