if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
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sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
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They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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