Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
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i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
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The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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