My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
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I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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