I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
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everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
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So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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