Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
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I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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