I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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