I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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