Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
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My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
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For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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