I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
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If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
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Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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