took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
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The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
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I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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