good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize